Sunday, December 23, 2012

Seasons Greetings!

It has to be the soul of Christmas 2012. Has to be.

Enjoy. See you all in a few days.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Word on the Street: Apocalypse 2012

The Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, December 21. They also said humans were made of corn. I'm hoping they were just as bad at math as biology. If this week ends with an Apocalypse, I'll be upset for several reasons. For starters, my work Christmas party is that evening and I'm really looking forward to discovering the identity of the secret alcoholic at my new job. There's always at least one of them, and if there's ever a perfect occasion to spot them, this is it.

I think it's Helen from HR. She's a bit scatterbrained, has that rosy red nose, and is usually a few minutes late to meetings. Also, maintenance has found her several times sleeping naked in a puddle of diarrhea in the cafeteria bathroom. So we'll see. It could be Jerry the security guard though. He's always saying things like "I wish I was drunk." and "Can't wait to get wasted tonight" and "I'll fucking kill you if you say anything about my drinking problem."  I don't know, it will be interesting to find out. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Naughty List Leaked!

Using my Compaq Presario 65000XG-II Desktop PC with Infinitum Excelerator color monitor and built in speakers, I was able to hack into Santa Claus' actual, 2012 naughty list, complete with his personal notes! (Yes, that Santa Claus.)

Since I'm feeling particularly generous today, I thought I'd share some of it with you as a gesture of goodwill, but also as a warning to those who might be on the cusp this year. There's still time to sway Ol' Saint Nick's mind in the coming days. Do the right thing. Be nice. Be smart. You never know who's watching.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Word on the Street: New Year's Resolutions

Closing in fast on the last night of the year. Always seems to sneak up on you doesn't it? This time, I'm not surprised or disappointed by it though. It's been a good, full one for me. In 2012 I joined a CSA and shed almost 40 lbs of Bufala mozzarella and prosciutto di Parma. I quit taking Limocello shots for breakfast, cut Facebook out of my life and started reading books again. I saw a therapist about my anger towards anyone that wasn't me, upgraded my soup can & string to an iPhone, and bought a big screen TV to watch horrible reality show specimens embarrass themselves on an even bigger stage. I also thought about going back to church, stopped watching neighbors with binoculars and even asked the woman I love to marry me. (She said yes.)

So I await this new year with open arms. Hopefully I'll make a little more money than a Mexican child peddling Chiclets on an Acapulco beach. Because currently I do not. But otherwise I just hope to remain happy, optimistic and to the best of my ability, healthy. What more could anyone strive for? Let's find out what everyday folks from across this great land are promising themselves to achieve in 2013.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

NJ Gov. Chris Christie Beats the Shit out of Local Reporter for Asking a Stupid Question

TRENTON (Reuters) - The incident happened early this morning at a press conference regarding last week's freight train derailment that sent dozens of people to the hospital and left hundreds homeless amid evacuation orders. Friday's bridge failure dumped four tank cars into the Mantua Creek in Paulsboro, spewing hazardous vinyl chloride gas into the air and thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the creek. 

Gov. Christie was wrapping up his update on the clean-up process when he offered to take a few questions. Ben Flapworth of the Egg Harbor Township Shore News volunteered to go first in what would turn out to be a fateful decision. At this point, Christie had been up for 27 straight hours and hadn't eaten anything since his Fogo de Chao All-You-Can-Eat Brazilian steakhouse feast the night before. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Fact + Bonus Fact: Philadelphia

Fact: Founded in 1859, the Philadelphia Zoo was the first zoo in the country. 

Bonus Fact: Today, most of its 1300 animals can be seen selling pirated DVD's, counterfeit sneakers and liquid angel dust along East Market Street from 12th to 7th Avenue.  

Monday, November 26, 2012

Cyber Monday Goes Global

I think a lot of people think Cyber Monday is just an American tradition, hatched purposefully by capitalist elves to agitate spending and stoke the glowing Black Friday embers. However convenient it sounds, it's simply not true. The term, 'Cyber Monday' actually dates back to the 6th century BC, where its first recorded use is attributed to Emperor Gaozu of Tang, founder of the Tang Dynasty. According to historical documents the emperor, unhappy with outrageous shipping costs and export taxes on his luxurious silk, declared Cyber Monday a Chinese National Holiday. Anyone charging shipping fees on that day would be beheaded and fed to dragons. 

Fast forward a few thousand years and look at how far we've come. Most major retailers are still not charging shipping fees and almost no one is being eaten by reptiles. 

Tablets and HDTV's aren't the only bargains around though. Cyber Monday specials are available all over the globe today. Here are some of the biggest deals: 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Guess What I Did

This past weekend, I did one of the following five things. Guess which one and I'll send you an Insane Italian tote bag filled with mystery surprises. Mostly year-old US Weekly's and mildewy wine corks. But maybe some other things too. Fish food, citronella candles, surgical lubricant...junk drawer kind of stuff. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sitting Down with my Vegan DJ Coworker Who Spent 2 Weeks in Europe

Today I'm joined by Fletcher Bentley, my occasional friend and fellow colleague here at my regular, office job processing data into smaller bits of data and then reassembling them into long, data strings which we then hang on data trees. 

Fletcher was born in Madison, Wisconsin and moved to Philadelphia late last year to pursue a degree in aquarium architecture. Aside from his job here at Datatree Data Systems, he works part-time brewing Chemex coffee from a tricycle vending cart, and spinning Portuguese electro and ambient samba at an organic co-op store. This past summer, he took a 14-day trip through six European countries and hasn't stopped mentioning it since. 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Cat for Sale - (Very cute, but full of shit) CASH only

Can you put a price on your beloved pet? The answer of course is yes, and its very simple. Just snap a few photos of the little fur ball, post them on Craigslist and there you go: Your pet for sale. It was something I considered last week when my darling cat, Maybe tried cleaning out my bank account because she didn't feel like shitting. It wasn't the first time either. I'm not sure if she does it on purpose, but her heartbreaking bouts with constipation seem only to come on weekend nights when all veterinary offices are closed and the only place to go is the 24-hour pet emergency room. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Fact + Bonus Fact: Presidential Edition

FACT: James Madison, our lightest leader, weighed less than 100 lbs.

BONUS FACT: There are over 100 different Chris Christie jokes that can be created with that information.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Word on the Street: Hurricane Sandy

Having spent the last week digesting over 600 hours of news coverage on 8 different networks, I was obviously very well prepared for this storm. Sure I filled my bathtub and readied the flashlights. But I also rolled up my sleeves and handled the important tasks - like wrestling hipsters for the last container of unsweetened almond milk at Whole Foods. And making sure we had enough peach mango coconut water and peppered goat cheese to ride out nature's fury. Smoked whitefish spread for my baked sweet potato chips. Boxes of frozen, chocolate-dipped bananas. You can never be too safe. Sure its all perishable, but aren't we all? 

In the end though, perhaps exhausted from pummeling New York and Jersey, Sandy never really brought the noise to Philadelphia. Fine with me. We have enough problems here, and most of them are far more dangerous than hyperbolized post-tropical cyclones. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Sitting Down with Harvey Weinstein

When I got the call from Harvey's assistant Fortuna, I was stunned to say the least. Honestly at this point, having done only a single interview with a cable company phone rep, I'm surprised anybody knew about this column. I promptly cancelled my upcoming Q & A's with my sushi delivery man and local laundromat attendant, and prepped myself to sit down with the Tinseltown Tycoon, the Sultan of Cinema, the Supreme Lord of La La Land himself: mega-producer Harvey Weinstein.  

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

This just in

A video link has now been established. To your right you will find the entrance to InsaneItalianTV: a soon-to-be glorious assortment of juicy video fruit from around the world.  Right now the selection is rich, but limited. Please be patient and respect the fact that I have another job besides this one - looking after an ailing, exiled, Level Nine Operating Thetan I met in a Scientology chat room. He pays me very well...with space volcano power skills and purity awareness points.  

To celebrate the arrival of videos, I present to you, 'Why I love living in Philly', Exhibit G: Cool cats live here. (Exhibits A-F all have to do with pork and cheese). 

Friday, October 19, 2012


I will be in NYC all weekend conducting business with deep-pocketed Finns and Poles. If I have time leftover I may meet with the Danes over a Bloody.This business of course is completely confidential, but I can tell you it involves encrypted launch codes, quantum entanglement, binders full of women and gluten free ravioli.  

Posts will resume again on Monday. Enjoy your weekend. And wish me luck! The future of this website and its entire staff depends on it. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Search is Over

This is the woman I am going to hire for all Insane Italian promotional events across the nation. She embodies the bold vision, the free spirit and the joie de vivre that I have always envisioned would represent my imaginary brand. Ladies and gents, I give you, Liz Curtis Higgs...

And while we're on the subject of amazing videos, I want to let you all know that soon there will be a video element incorporated into this page. A museum if you will, of all the treasured gems I unearth during my deep rock cyber expeditions. So be sure to check the sidebar for new page additions. Also the image gallery will be periodically refreshed, Fan Mail will always be answered and posted, and new features such as movie reviews, ridiculous news from Florida and more Word on the Street and Sit Down with CC interviews will be added. Many other concepts are still under development and will be rolled out for audience testing shortly. 

As always, I thank you all for your support, pity or contempt - whichever comes easier for you.  All forms of attention are happily welcomed here. 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sandals: Chintzy Indiscretion Included

Lately I've been shopping around online for a snazzy little honeymoon package, (sorry ladies, this renaissance man is spoken for.) The process, like almost everything remotely associated with wedding planning, has been treacherous, exasperating and corrupt. Recently though, I found myself briefly intrigued. While browsing the typical, cruise-on-land offerings of Sandal's resorts, I discovered a link to their Personal Butler Suites at the Royal Jamaican Plantation. With the click of a button I could upgrade to these regal digs and have private transportation arranged, priority dinner reservations handled and exotic drinks ceaselessly delivered to me on the beach. Delightful. According to Sandal's website, the butlers are "trained in accordance to the exacting standards by the Guild of Professional Butlers (they’re the ones who provide butlers to nobility and celebrities)" 

That's great because I wouldn't want just any old, run-of-the-mill Mr. Belvedere fetching my rum and golf-carting me around. For an extra thousand clams, I want to be handed a daiquiri the same exact way Kanye and Prince William are handed goddamn daiquiris

Friday, October 12, 2012

Word on the Street: Flu Shots

It's that time of year again. Fall foliage and football. Time to mull over the crafty ways you could murder your bookie and make it look like a recreational boating accident. It's also time to be thinking about the flu shot. The hotly-contested debate over the seasonal vaccine's safety has raged on longer than most Sub-Saharan African presidencies. I decided to hit the pavement of Main Street, USA to find out what everyday, normal, folk thought about the vaccine, in this very first edition of Word on the Street.   

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sitting Down With Comcast

Sitting down with me today is Seth Stefansson, Comcast Customer Service Assistant Supervisor from Vero Beach, Florida. Seth, a two-time divorcee with outstanding child support payments and at least one active restraining order, started his career with the cable monolith in 1998 as an equipment return processor in Smyrna, Delaware. He's held his current call center position for almost ten years. Seth, glad to have you on the Sit Down. 

Seth: Thanks for having me CC, I'm honored to be the first interviewee. 

CC: Great. Seth, I want to start out by asking, is it true that Comcast headquarters in Philadelphia is powered by the blood of feral children sacrificed in barbaric tribal rituals of isolated, indigenous peoples?

Seth: That is true.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Not having a Facebook is the new Facebook

I quit Facebook on June 6, 2012. I picked D-Day because the term is commonly used to designate significant events and is easy to remember. Also, one summer day on the front porch drinking pitchers of gin gimlets, I can regale my grandchildren with some erratic, apocryphal tale of how my Facebook page was associated with the liberation of mainland Europe from Nazi occupation.

The reason I quit however, is not quite as tidy. Aside from it being the biggest time suck since gravity and affording its users the privacy rights of a Chinese prison, it appeared to me there was an even more sinister problem festering beneath the pokes and likes. What started as a simple, useful tool for sharing and connecting with friends had gradually morphed into the Facebook Industrial Complex. A giant, hulking, amoral, machine designed implicitly to generate revenue and vanquish competition. But that's any corporation. It's real drawback turned out to be surprisingly personal. Ironically, the social media oligarch's most tenacious and potent side effects were isolation and alienation.