Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Gold, Grenades and Holiday Games


Lots to catch up on folks. I'm back from Italy with not only a few kilos of Parmesan and prosciutto, but a fresh reserve of writing motivation. So here's to a winter full of nonsense and myrrh. First up is this story: 




I love shit like this. In fact, I can actually relate to the story very well. There are a few souls out there who know some of my peculiar habits and rituals, but for the most part I've kept them to myself - until now. One of my standard practices dating back to the late 80's is checking the cabinets in airplane bathrooms for contraband. I've being doing that regularly on aircraft since first watching The Delta Force with Chuck Norris in 1986. In the now legendary film based very loosely on actual events, terrorist maintenance workers stashed weapons behind the toilet paper rolls prior to takeoff. What started as nervous curiosity the first time in a plane after seeing the hijacker thriller has now evolved, some thirty years later, into an obsessive compulsion.  At some point (before drink service) during a flight, I will check the bathroom thoroughly for Uzi's and hand grenades. What I haven't worked out after all these years is what I would do if I found them. Bring them back to my seat? Maybe they would see me and engage a sinister backup plan. Alert the flight attendant? She could be in on it. Or she might even overreact and treat me as the enemy. Take the bullets out while in the bathroom? I have no idea how to do that and would probably shoot myself in the process. 



Despite having no exit strategy whatsoever, I continue checking to this day. I haven't found anything yet except a condom wrapper and some lip balm, neither of which I determined to be a serious threat. Though I do remember not recognizing the lip balm packaging and briefly considering it might be a disguised form of plastic explosive. 

The stolen Indian gold would have been a real treat. I would've definitely taken at least one bar. Shoved it right in my Gap cowboy print boxers - no Arabian sheik would have missed it. Really bums me out to know that if I was somehow on that flight, without question I would have found it. 

So, now that you know a little more about me, let's play the What Does CC Do? game!! It's very simple, one of the answers to each of the questions is actually something that I do, guess which one it is. First one to get all three right wins. Winner receives a brand new, never before used canteen that I bought for a recent camping trip. Anyone who's been camping with me knows, I usually buy a ridiculous outdoor themed item beforehand (ie wilderness survival kit, metal detector, semaphore flags) and then never use them during the trip. The canteen's pretty solid too, it's metal and coated with fake fur for that real outdoorsy mountain man feel. Guaranteed to impress the ladies. Good luck!

When I pick up a free newspaper or a magazine from a rack, I usually:
  • Take the first one off the stack.
  • Take the second one off the stack.
  • Pull one through the rack from very close to the bottom, dragging four or five other copies to the ground along with it and walk away, leaving behind advertisements and subscription cards strewn about the area. 

Whenever I go to a public bathroom that is private and has a locking door that I do not completely trust I: 
  • Lock the door and pray that it functions properly.
  • Keep one foot at the base of the door while I do my business.
  • Barricade the door with the garbage can and plunger and enact a very loud, obnoxious, pretend phone call to ward off any potential intruders.  

When my wife is not home and I have Sunday all to myself to watch football, I always: 
  • Put on my favorite team jersey and pop open a cold one.
  • Bundle up on the couch and eat whole containers of Ben & Jerry's. 
  • Get really high and pace my living room in nothing but a t-shirt, while sipping tomato juice from a crystal flute and narrating all of my poor life decisions out loud in hopes of pinpointing the exact moment I veered off course. 




4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. 1. you take the second paper. The top one is always jacked up somehow.
    2. you keep your front in front of the door. i don't, but i do keep a handful of shit to throw in case anyone walks in.
    3. you only own soccer jersey's, and I've seen you pace pantless narrating loudly on several occasions without being high. (I can only assume the tomato juice is new because of your health-conscious wife.) so I'm going with 2.

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    1. The answer is 3. Every time. Or C. Whatever the third one is. I've been guessing the third one in multiple choice format since the seventies. Every scantron and every test I've ever taken, I go with C or 3. And I reckon it's not such a bad strategy. I've been waved on through every level and and every grade since. Paid off in spades. I've lived through 8 presidents, got a few diplomas nailed to the wall and almost $400 in my checking account. Not too shabby I must say. Always bet on C.

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