Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Why are Italians Always on Vacation?

It's not a joke. Really, why do we always seem to be taking extended breaks and vacations? In Italy, in addition to weekends, stores are closed at least one other arbitrary weekday and most even close up after lunch on Thursdays. And the whole country usually takes the entire month of August off. I mean if it wasn't for the French, we might seem  p r e t t y  lazy. 

Anyway, needless to say, I'm going on vacation tomorrow. Be back next week. In the meantime, order some nifty shirts from my unofficial store. Ci vediamo presto. 

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Welcome to Earf

Ladies and gentlemen, Voyager 1 has left the solar system! For those of you who don't know what that means, shame on you. It's the first man-made object ever to leave our quaint, little galactic neighborhood in the history of time. Except if you're a Scientologist, and that already happened 75 million years ago when Xenu and his confederacy traveled to our planet in a modified DC-8 and nuked our volcanoes and imprisoned billions of souls in vacuum tubes and implanted toxic memories into their psyche. If you're not very familiar with the Church of Cruise, please have a looksee. It's the best thing you'll read this cosmological decade. The Rabbit HoleI read on TMZ once that Travolta pays his masseuses to dress up like Xenu before he assaults them. Not sure if that's true. 

Friday, September 13, 2013


I will be out of the office until Monday. Please contact my assistants, Poblano Ortiz or Florence Quach with any questions or concerns. Neither of them have phones, but you may page them numerical messages. I will also be out of the office again in late September when I trek to Providence with the Book of Eli and my minister's cape to officiate a friend's marriage. And once more in mid-November as I have been called back again to ancient Rome by papal cryptographers to help decode several unearthed texts for the Vatican. I am very busy this fall, but will continue returning to my office to post here at least once a week as promised. I assure you that. Except that I don't have an office. 

But Poblano and Florence are real, and they're very good at what they do. I pay them in millet and cover all of their mental health and water therapy sessions. It's hard to find quality help these days, and even harder convincing them to stay. Thank God for duct tape and electrical fencing. 

For the weekend, I leave you with this inspiring and delightful tale of honesty, perseverance and dedication. (Thanks to Neely, one of my loyal readers. I forget the other one's name.) Godspeed.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Word on the Street: America's Game

Holy cow! Can you believe it's actually happening? No, not the Chinese announcing plans to visit this moon this year, (although everything they do is naturally suspicious.) I'm talking about the NFL season kickoff! And what a game to get things started - a highly anticipated playoff rematch. Tonight all across the land, millions of couples will get into fights when the husband or boyfriend gets way too drunk on a weeknight and gets suddenly mad for no reason and throws a fit over something ridiculous like the batteries needing to be replaced in the remote control. Logo pint glasses will be broken, Pace Picante spilled, 911 dialed, babies crying, landlords knocking, and robed neighbors congregating on front lawns whispering and watching as sloppy buffoons are led down their driveways in Crocs, tighty-whiteys and XXXL Ravens jerseys, shouting about "suing Roger Goodell, NBC and the Goodyear Blimp" as they're stuffed into police cruisers.  

A spectacular night for America indeed!! Let's hit the streets and see what people have to say. (Oh, and Go Broncos!)