Holy cow! Can you believe it's actually happening? No, not the Chinese announcing plans to visit this moon this year, (although everything they do is naturally suspicious.) I'm talking about the NFL season kickoff! And what a game to get things started - a highly anticipated playoff rematch. Tonight all across the land, millions of couples will get into fights when the husband or boyfriend gets way too drunk on a weeknight and gets suddenly mad for no reason and throws a fit over something ridiculous like the batteries needing to be replaced in the remote control. Logo pint glasses will be broken, Pace Picante spilled, 911 dialed, babies crying, landlords knocking, and robed neighbors congregating on front lawns whispering and watching as sloppy buffoons are led down their driveways in Crocs, tighty-whiteys and XXXL Ravens jerseys, shouting about "suing Roger Goodell, NBC and the Goodyear Blimp" as they're stuffed into police cruisers.
A spectacular night for America indeed!! Let's hit the streets and see what people have to say. (Oh, and Go Broncos!)
"I just love listening to Al Michaels speak. His voice soothes my soul and reminds me this time each year that I have a place and a purpose in this world and that everything will be okay."
"I'mmmm.....pretty sure I won't be tuning in to any football tonight. Or tomorrow. Ever really."
"I cannot WAIT for another agonizingly overhyped and underwhelming season to begin! It will be such an incredible waste of so much of my time and almost all of my money that I can hardly contain my excitement."
"I would be excited for tonight's game if I can even get home before it's over. The goddamn I-76 has been jamming up lately at 2pm. I mean what the f*#% does everybody take a half day now or what??!"
'I'm actually more pumped about college football. The tailgating scene is waayy better."
"I'm really hoping this will be the year the Kansas City Chiefs return to the Super Bowl so I can finally shave. Or that my friend Larry dies and the bet expires."
"I simply refuse to watch. It's hideous. A crude game for SAVAGES."
"Ok, you ready for it?? Mosiah 2:17, Nephi 10:23 , Enos 3:15, Hut Hut ..ZION!!!"
"The way I see it, Demon Baby counteracts last minute bullshit Hail Mary's."
"If you look closely you'll notice there's no wedding ring on my finger. That's because women can't understand the grandeur of The Duke. Never have, never will."