The New Year's Resolution Audit

I just read a Yahoo Shine article written by a sixteen-year-old eighth grader from Kansas that said nearly 90% of people who make New Year's resolutions completely give up on them after about sixty days. Although the same author once wrote that regular consumption of bananas would give people cat-like night vision, I do agree with her here. I think sixty days is even pushing it. I gave up on my resolutions (to not lie to children or set anything that wasn't mine on fire) in less than 24 hours. Actually knocked them both out simultaneously. Anyway, let's check and see how others have managed with their own self-improvement goals. 

     "It's the same old story, every year I promise myself that I'm going to learn how to read, and every year I never do anything about it. It's a shame really" 

"I know I said that 2014 was the year I wasn't going to forcibly annex any autonomous republics, but these goddamned paraolympic games are soooooo boring. I couldn't help myself."

"I'm very happy to report that so far I've stuck to my resolution 100%! I haven't cooked, boiled, pickled, frozen or eaten any prostitutes all year."  

"Let's be real...did anyone REALLY think I'd be able to give up pullin bitches for a whole year!? C'mon now."

"Hahaha, I was actually pretty confidant I'd be able to stop molesting timberwolves in the wild, buuuut the heart wants what the heart wants!" 

"I had actually made the resolution to continue haunting the souls of innocent young girls with renewed vigor and zeal. So in that respect, I've been very successful so far." 

"I didn't make any resolutions this year. Couldn't think of any."

*By the way, I've updated my movie review and soothing imagery sections. Don't forget to love them too.