Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Word on the Street: Hurricane Sandy

Having spent the last week digesting over 600 hours of news coverage on 8 different networks, I was obviously very well prepared for this storm. Sure I filled my bathtub and readied the flashlights. But I also rolled up my sleeves and handled the important tasks - like wrestling hipsters for the last container of unsweetened almond milk at Whole Foods. And making sure we had enough peach mango coconut water and peppered goat cheese to ride out nature's fury. Smoked whitefish spread for my baked sweet potato chips. Boxes of frozen, chocolate-dipped bananas. You can never be too safe. Sure its all perishable, but aren't we all? 

In the end though, perhaps exhausted from pummeling New York and Jersey, Sandy never really brought the noise to Philadelphia. Fine with me. We have enough problems here, and most of them are far more dangerous than hyperbolized post-tropical cyclones. 

Friday, October 26, 2012

Sitting Down with Harvey Weinstein

When I got the call from Harvey's assistant Fortuna, I was stunned to say the least. Honestly at this point, having done only a single interview with a cable company phone rep, I'm surprised anybody knew about this column. I promptly cancelled my upcoming Q & A's with my sushi delivery man and local laundromat attendant, and prepped myself to sit down with the Tinseltown Tycoon, the Sultan of Cinema, the Supreme Lord of La La Land himself: mega-producer Harvey Weinstein.  

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

This just in

A video link has now been established. To your right you will find the entrance to InsaneItalianTV: a soon-to-be glorious assortment of juicy video fruit from around the world.  Right now the selection is rich, but limited. Please be patient and respect the fact that I have another job besides this one - looking after an ailing, exiled, Level Nine Operating Thetan I met in a Scientology chat room. He pays me very well...with space volcano power skills and purity awareness points.  

To celebrate the arrival of videos, I present to you, 'Why I love living in Philly', Exhibit G: Cool cats live here. (Exhibits A-F all have to do with pork and cheese). 

Friday, October 19, 2012


I will be in NYC all weekend conducting business with deep-pocketed Finns and Poles. If I have time leftover I may meet with the Danes over a Bloody.This business of course is completely confidential, but I can tell you it involves encrypted launch codes, quantum entanglement, binders full of women and gluten free ravioli.  

Posts will resume again on Monday. Enjoy your weekend. And wish me luck! The future of this website and its entire staff depends on it. 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Search is Over

This is the woman I am going to hire for all Insane Italian promotional events across the nation. She embodies the bold vision, the free spirit and the joie de vivre that I have always envisioned would represent my imaginary brand. Ladies and gents, I give you, Liz Curtis Higgs...

And while we're on the subject of amazing videos, I want to let you all know that soon there will be a video element incorporated into this page. A museum if you will, of all the treasured gems I unearth during my deep rock cyber expeditions. So be sure to check the sidebar for new page additions. Also the image gallery will be periodically refreshed, Fan Mail will always be answered and posted, and new features such as movie reviews, ridiculous news from Florida and more Word on the Street and Sit Down with CC interviews will be added. Many other concepts are still under development and will be rolled out for audience testing shortly. 

As always, I thank you all for your support, pity or contempt - whichever comes easier for you.  All forms of attention are happily welcomed here. 


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Sandals: Chintzy Indiscretion Included

Lately I've been shopping around online for a snazzy little honeymoon package, (sorry ladies, this renaissance man is spoken for.) The process, like almost everything remotely associated with wedding planning, has been treacherous, exasperating and corrupt. Recently though, I found myself briefly intrigued. While browsing the typical, cruise-on-land offerings of Sandal's resorts, I discovered a link to their Personal Butler Suites at the Royal Jamaican Plantation. With the click of a button I could upgrade to these regal digs and have private transportation arranged, priority dinner reservations handled and exotic drinks ceaselessly delivered to me on the beach. Delightful. According to Sandal's website, the butlers are "trained in accordance to the exacting standards by the Guild of Professional Butlers (they’re the ones who provide butlers to nobility and celebrities)" 

That's great because I wouldn't want just any old, run-of-the-mill Mr. Belvedere fetching my rum and golf-carting me around. For an extra thousand clams, I want to be handed a daiquiri the same exact way Kanye and Prince William are handed goddamn daiquiris

Friday, October 12, 2012

Word on the Street: Flu Shots

It's that time of year again. Fall foliage and football. Time to mull over the crafty ways you could murder your bookie and make it look like a recreational boating accident. It's also time to be thinking about the flu shot. The hotly-contested debate over the seasonal vaccine's safety has raged on longer than most Sub-Saharan African presidencies. I decided to hit the pavement of Main Street, USA to find out what everyday, normal, folk thought about the vaccine, in this very first edition of Word on the Street.   

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sitting Down With Comcast

Sitting down with me today is Seth Stefansson, Comcast Customer Service Assistant Supervisor from Vero Beach, Florida. Seth, a two-time divorcee with outstanding child support payments and at least one active restraining order, started his career with the cable monolith in 1998 as an equipment return processor in Smyrna, Delaware. He's held his current call center position for almost ten years. Seth, glad to have you on the Sit Down. 

Seth: Thanks for having me CC, I'm honored to be the first interviewee. 

CC: Great. Seth, I want to start out by asking, is it true that Comcast headquarters in Philadelphia is powered by the blood of feral children sacrificed in barbaric tribal rituals of isolated, indigenous peoples?

Seth: That is true.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Not having a Facebook is the new Facebook

I quit Facebook on June 6, 2012. I picked D-Day because the term is commonly used to designate significant events and is easy to remember. Also, one summer day on the front porch drinking pitchers of gin gimlets, I can regale my grandchildren with some erratic, apocryphal tale of how my Facebook page was associated with the liberation of mainland Europe from Nazi occupation.

The reason I quit however, is not quite as tidy. Aside from it being the biggest time suck since gravity and affording its users the privacy rights of a Chinese prison, it appeared to me there was an even more sinister problem festering beneath the pokes and likes. What started as a simple, useful tool for sharing and connecting with friends had gradually morphed into the Facebook Industrial Complex. A giant, hulking, amoral, machine designed implicitly to generate revenue and vanquish competition. But that's any corporation. It's real drawback turned out to be surprisingly personal. Ironically, the social media oligarch's most tenacious and potent side effects were isolation and alienation.