Mainly these opportunities will center around Philly because I want to help my fellow, underemployed peeps in the Cradle of Liberty realize their full potential. But I'll also scope out a few left coast and midriff region gigs for the rest of my displaced posse across the land. You're welcome. Now read this, and then get back to work at your unsatisfying actual job.
- Process documents for PA state registration, driver licenses, permits, inspections and titles.
- Continuous interaction with the public, long periods of sitting and entering data into a computer.
- Reject incomplete or inaccurately filled out documents like you were born to do it. The ability to recognize the document as unacceptable before the customer even hands it to you is preferred.
- Take obscenely long amounts of time to enter data, stopping frequently to make sassy, inside jokes with nearby co-workers. Furrowing your brow, squinting at the screen and shaking your head when any minor detail seems out of place is strongly encouraged.
- Keep a completely straight face when informing a driver's license applicant who has brought you a valid US Passport, Social Security Card, birth certificate, bank statements, medical records and a bone from the finger of Saint Catherine of Siena, that he must leave and return home for "a piece of mail with an address on it."
- Getting up without explanation and walking away from your desk for up to ten minutes at a time with all of the customer's personal documents in your hand is required several times per shift.
- Must be generally overweight, over-perfumed and moderately oily in complexion.
- Must harbor a bitter, simmering resentment toward anyone you perceive as healthier, smarter or more financially stable than you.
- The ability to treat every customer with the same seething indignation you supplied the deadbeat alcoholic who handed you urine-stained forms earlier that morning is key.
- Candidates who can say the word "Nope" to any question asked while keeping their eyes closed and smirking will be given first look.
- Photos of you smiling and enjoying time by an above ground pool like a normal person with your niece and nephew are required to be taped up at your station to foster some sense of humanity. A prominently displayed coffee mug with an ironic cheerful message is a plus.
- Zero knowledge of current events, fundamental problem solving techniques, common sense, principles of reason or the basic pillars of logic is a must. A glaring lack of any discernible trace of humor is ideal.
- The ability to butcher the English language into small, indecipherable, mumbled chunks of slang dialect punctuated with caustic strokes of urban flair is highly desired.
- Comprehensive package includes over 200 sick and vacation days per year, a surprisingly high salary and a robust short term disability insurance plan for when you are inevitably assaulted at your desk.