Friday, June 28, 2013

A Daydream on Elm Street

Like most people who live in the middle of a major city, I suffer through the often exhausting love-hate relationship with it. Philly is a great town, occasionally even a spectacular one. Spring and summer weekends are awash with festivals, farmer's markets, outdoor concerts and movie screenings. Al-fresco dining along tree-lined streets and colorful parks, green enough to be from Oregon, can be found in every neighborhood. It's a truly vibrant place, alive with a life energy in the air strong enough to taste. 

Just when you've snuggled up nice and close to it though, supremely confident that your assured embrace will continue endorsing your peace of mind, Philly will paw swipe at you unexpectedly like a feral cat buried in a pile of goose down pillows. Whether it's an afternoon shooting in front of your favorite bar, an early morning serial strangler who strikes from behind, or a teenage flash mob flooding a commercial street with fists-a-flying, the City of Brotherly Love will routinely remind you she loathes living up to that name.    

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Word on the Street: Government Surveillance

In the wake of Eric Snowden's leaks of classified intelligence and the ensuing Falcon & the Snowman-style espionage circus unfolding around the globe, I thought it would be a great time to hit the streets and find out what everyday Americans thought about big brother spying on its own citizens. 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Sitting Down With Jersey Shore Juice Bar Employee, Breeana Norton

CC: Joining me this afternoon for the Sit Down is high school senior, Jersey native and assistant manager of Surf Blendz Juice & Smoothies in Sea Isle City, Breeana Norton. Hey Breeana, how are you doing?

Bree: Pretty good. I spell my name with a Y, two N's and an H by the way. 

CC: Well we're not going to do that today Bree, because that's retarded. What we will do is figure out what happened when I came in to have lunch yesterday.  

Bree: Um okay, I don't think I remember you. Were you the guy who was all like 'RRAHH RHARR! Where's my friggin blueberry boost?!?' all red and sweating and everything? No, wait, that was my boyfriend. Who are you again?

Friday, June 21, 2013

Summer in the City

Sea Isle City that is. It's where I'm headed for the week. For those of you who don't know, Sea Isle City is a tiny little speck of a shore town in Cape May County, New Jersey. It's inhabited mostly by families with young children and shiny guidos with hairless, sculpted muscles. My mission for the week is simple: eat crab, drink rum, pretend to be 20 years younger. My wife's mission is similar, but much more difficult. She'll be eating oysters, drinking sangria and searching deep inside her soul for what it was that initially attracted her to the sunburned albino walrus with a hairy chest who just tore his Achilles tendon trying to dive over a child's sandcastle to catch a frisbee.  

Monday, June 17, 2013

HOT JOB: Philly Sidewalk Activist

  • Inform the public about political efforts, charitable causes and social injustices. Solicit donations, support and volunteers whenever possible. 

Primary Duties
  • Stand within inches of illegally blocking the entrance of Whole Foods and attempt to make contact with every human being walking by, regardless of their defensive body language and obvious disdain for your presence. 
  • Begin every intercept with a carefully crafted question or phrase designed to stir up a creamy broth of guilt, remorse and self-doubt within the target. Plant the heavy seed of encumbrance inside their soul and let it sprout its shameful pangs of conscience in their brains for the rest of the afternoon.  

          "Do you have a minute to save a baby from being raped?"

          "Do you care about anyone who has cancer?" 

          "If you don't stop, a gay teenager might be beaten with a coal shovel." 

          These are some great opening examples. Of course, adding your own personal touches       
          is always encouraged. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Procrastination: A Haiku. I'll Finish it Later

I've been very busy lately avoiding responsibility and keeping up with important tasks such as writing ridiculous things here for all of you to enjoy. Please be patient, because I'll be posting a bunch of new stuff very soon. But in the meantime, I feel like I owe you an explanation. 

There are several factors currently slowing down my progress and I've been working feverishly to minimize them. Unfortunately due to my dysfunctional upbringing, I am largely incapable of regulating, managing or moderating anything, and so these distractions will probably just have to run their natural course.