Friday, June 21, 2013

Summer in the City

Sea Isle City that is. It's where I'm headed for the week. For those of you who don't know, Sea Isle City is a tiny little speck of a shore town in Cape May County, New Jersey. It's inhabited mostly by families with young children and shiny guidos with hairless, sculpted muscles. My mission for the week is simple: eat crab, drink rum, pretend to be 20 years younger. My wife's mission is similar, but much more difficult. She'll be eating oysters, drinking sangria and searching deep inside her soul for what it was that initially attracted her to the sunburned albino walrus with a hairy chest who just tore his Achilles tendon trying to dive over a child's sandcastle to catch a frisbee.  

Before we go however, I'm dragging her along with me tonight to watch the 4-hour long, director's cut edition of Kill Bill called "The Whole Bloody Affair". It's Tarantino's personal copy (and only one in existence) of the two epic films edited together as the one giant masterpiece he'd intended them to be. It's only been screened twice before, in Cannes and LA, and now it's landed in good ol' Philadelphia. To say I'm excited is a tremendous understatement. I'm frenzied and manic - a berserk movie buffoon overwrought with hysteria. At this point it's agitating. I imagine it to be similar to having a day-long erection. Sure its fun until about lunchtime, but then its like: listen, you're being unfair. 

So, it's the first day of summer kids. Three months of drinking, swimming, partying and having sex all day starts now! Remember when that was actually what summer was? Me neither. But that's what appears to be happening in my Girls Gone Wild VHS tapes. Not sure how much of it is actually real though. My friend Benny who says he knows a cameraman who once worked for GGW, said that sometimes the scenes are staged. So, you never know. 

Nowadays my summers consist mostly of applying and reapplying 65 SPF sunblock to my bald head, checking myself obsessively for ticks and reading self help books on park benches while feeding sliced radishes to pigeons between sips of iced Campari from a travel mug. And you know what? I look forward to them more than I ever have. Summer '13, bitches! Get out there and make it a good one. Posts will resume again next week. 

God bless North West.  

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