Thursday, July 25, 2013

Word on the Street: Christmas in July

There aren't many celebrations in life that annoy me. I generally consider most holidays, weddings, toppled governments, quadrennial sporting tournaments and obscure astronomical phenomena as all reasonable excuses to tip back a dozen pints and skip through the streets howling Billy Joel choruses. In some circles this is dubbed "alcoholism", while we the enlightened know it simply as "good times."

Christmas in July however is one of the few that get under my skin and transmit pathogenic trypanosomes like a tsetse fly. And I mean that literally. Bars participating in the out-of-place festivities by decorating everything in cheap lights and shitty tinsel bring on anemia, joint pains, and various cardiac, endocrine and kidney dysfunctions. If I see people in the hot sun running relay races, rowing boats or pub crawling in Santa suits, I develop exuberant ulcerated lesions on my tongue and eyeballs. And if God forbid I hear Christmas muzak in a department store while shopping for BBQ tools, the parasite then invades my central nervous system and enters its final neurological phase, leaving me helplessly stranded in a convulsing heap of confusiontremorhemiparesis and psychotic delirium. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Bad Ideas: Keeping Regret in Business For Over 200,000 Years

Today I will be debuting a new monthly feature called Bad Ideas. The concept is fairly simple. Just a list of ideas that are bad, and will likely lead you down that garden path straight to the intersection of grief and woe. Attempting to enact them is strongly discouraged by both me and the entire staff here at Insane Italian. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Shuffling Off to Buffalo

This week I'm headed up to a part of NY state I like to call 'Not Really New York.' Buffalo to be exact. The Nickel City; The City of Good Neighbors; even The City of No Illusions for some obscure reason. To be fair, I really like the town. And it's where my wife's family lives and where we're having our wedding reception on Saturday, just about six months after the ceremony. Good times are best enjoyed after a nice, long simmer.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Bath Salt Buffoonery: Dispatches from the Sunshine State

To the delight and perhaps dismay of all my old Facebook friends, my favorite daily hobby used to be gathering, posting and opining on ridiculous headlines from around the world. I must admit, as an ex-Facebooker, I do miss not having that forum to spread the gospel of odd news. And that's why I have this site. Here I can do whatever I want. There aren't any laws on the internet. None. I know that's true because my friend Colt from Lancaster, who I ride the bus with everyday told me that. Don't believe me? I'll prove it. Here's a batch of highly classified, covert intelligence whose mere possession alone would violate multiple federal statutes.