Word on the Street: Christmas in July

There aren't many celebrations in life that annoy me. I generally consider most holidays, weddings, toppled governments, quadrennial sporting tournaments and obscure astronomical phenomena as all reasonable excuses to tip back a dozen pints and skip through the streets howling Billy Joel choruses. In some circles this is dubbed "alcoholism", while we the enlightened know it simply as "good times."

Christmas in July however is one of the few that get under my skin and transmit pathogenic trypanosomes like a tsetse fly. And I mean that literally. Bars participating in the out-of-place festivities by decorating everything in cheap lights and shitty tinsel bring on anemia, joint pains, and various cardiac, endocrine and kidney dysfunctions. If I see people in the hot sun running relay races, rowing boats or pub crawling in Santa suits, I develop exuberant ulcerated lesions on my tongue and eyeballs. And if God forbid I hear Christmas muzak in a department store while shopping for BBQ tools, the parasite then invades my central nervous system and enters its final neurological phase, leaving me helplessly stranded in a convulsing heap of confusion, tremor, hemiparesis and psychotic delirium. 

Naughty List Leaked!

Using my Compaq Presario 65000XG-II Desktop PC with Infinitum Excelerator color monitor and built in speakers, I was able to hack into Santa Claus' actual, 2012 naughty list, complete with his personal notes! (Yes, that Santa Claus.)

Since I'm feeling particularly generous today, I thought I'd share some of it with you as a gesture of goodwill, but also as a warning to those who might be on the cusp this year. There's still time to sway Ol' Saint Nick's mind in the coming days. Do the right thing. Be nice. Be smart. You never know who's watching.