Thursday, April 18, 2013

Ask Ke$ha!

Every once in a while I just get so excited I want to climb right up on a Mexican's shoulders and scream out the lyrics to La Cucaracha. Now is one of those times. 

I'm proud to announce that the world famous drunken trainwreck of a human being, (and pop sensation) Ke$ha, has agreed to a contribute a regular segment for Insane Italian where she will answer reader questions! She promised that no subject is off limits or taboo, and that she will always be as open and honest as possible. 

Feel free to leave your questions below in the comment section and she'll get around to them whenever she's not having blacked-out simulated sex with a champagne bottle. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Word on the Street: Tax Refunds

If you're like me, you don't pay any taxes at all because of an obscure administrative loophole you've exploited involving an antiquated diplomatic immunity statute. If not, then you're probably expecting a few consolation dollars back from Uncle Sam after his year of rigorous, biweekly sessions spent sodomizing your paycheck. Could be a few hundred, maybe even a couple grand. The question is, how will you spend it? Let's find out what some folks have in mind. 

*If you happen to owe money this year, you can contact me privately and for a minor fee I'll teach you a simple way to re-route that debt to the accounts of disabled veterans and senior citizens with dementia. Its quick, easy and completely untraceable by anyone except the Devil. So if afterlife planning is not an issue, I highly recommend it. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Honeymoon Alert

Alert! I am going on my honeymoon. Tomorrow. I realize that no one cares except me, and probably my wife...and perhaps the Korean doctor whose credit card I charged the whole trip to, but I still thought I should let all of you know as well. Especially since we're going to Mexico.

If you've read anything about Mexico in the last decade or so, you know they have a knack for two things: cramming into minivans and lopping off tourist's heads. A rather unusual skill set pairing, but one with rather dynamic advantages in a wide variety of situations. 

So, if you happen to hear about a puffy, furry, pasty-white bald man and his beautiful companion being kidnapped for ransom in the next week or two, please send all donations to: 

Insane Italian Abduction Payoff Fund
PO BOX 115 Kittanning, PA 16201  

Once again, thank you for all your support. And by support I mean visiting my site occasionally by accident. I can't tell you how much it means to me. And if I don't get snatched up by a cartel hunting for soft, sunburned drunkards in silk, maraca-print shirts, I'll be right back here next week with a whole new batch of fresh nonsense for your enjoyment. Adios!