Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Word on the Street: Tax Refunds

If you're like me, you don't pay any taxes at all because of an obscure administrative loophole you've exploited involving an antiquated diplomatic immunity statute. If not, then you're probably expecting a few consolation dollars back from Uncle Sam after his year of rigorous, biweekly sessions spent sodomizing your paycheck. Could be a few hundred, maybe even a couple grand. The question is, how will you spend it? Let's find out what some folks have in mind. 

*If you happen to owe money this year, you can contact me privately and for a minor fee I'll teach you a simple way to re-route that debt to the accounts of disabled veterans and senior citizens with dementia. Its quick, easy and completely untraceable by anyone except the Devil. So if afterlife planning is not an issue, I highly recommend it. 

"It always goes so fast, it's like I never even have it. 1, 2, 3 - Prada, Gucci, Armani. Poof!  Its all gone" 

"I'll probably just snag an 8 ball from my cousin Dax, bang out some fat rails and remix Kraftwerk all night"

"My refunds always go straight to costumes. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends, they'll tell you"

"I guess I'll use most of it for the ambulance and emergency room tab from when I pass the football team tonight on my way back to the dorm"

"All the money I ever get always goes right back into ME baby. Every goddamned cent. Ummmmmphh. Can you feel it?"

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