Sunday, December 23, 2012

Seasons Greetings!

It has to be the soul of Christmas 2012. Has to be.

Enjoy. See you all in a few days.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Word on the Street: Apocalypse 2012

The Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, December 21. They also said humans were made of corn. I'm hoping they were just as bad at math as biology. If this week ends with an Apocalypse, I'll be upset for several reasons. For starters, my work Christmas party is that evening and I'm really looking forward to discovering the identity of the secret alcoholic at my new job. There's always at least one of them, and if there's ever a perfect occasion to spot them, this is it.

I think it's Helen from HR. She's a bit scatterbrained, has that rosy red nose, and is usually a few minutes late to meetings. Also, maintenance has found her several times sleeping naked in a puddle of diarrhea in the cafeteria bathroom. So we'll see. It could be Jerry the security guard though. He's always saying things like "I wish I was drunk." and "Can't wait to get wasted tonight" and "I'll fucking kill you if you say anything about my drinking problem."  I don't know, it will be interesting to find out. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Naughty List Leaked!

Using my Compaq Presario 65000XG-II Desktop PC with Infinitum Excelerator color monitor and built in speakers, I was able to hack into Santa Claus' actual, 2012 naughty list, complete with his personal notes! (Yes, that Santa Claus.)

Since I'm feeling particularly generous today, I thought I'd share some of it with you as a gesture of goodwill, but also as a warning to those who might be on the cusp this year. There's still time to sway Ol' Saint Nick's mind in the coming days. Do the right thing. Be nice. Be smart. You never know who's watching.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Word on the Street: New Year's Resolutions

Closing in fast on the last night of the year. Always seems to sneak up on you doesn't it? This time, I'm not surprised or disappointed by it though. It's been a good, full one for me. In 2012 I joined a CSA and shed almost 40 lbs of Bufala mozzarella and prosciutto di Parma. I quit taking Limocello shots for breakfast, cut Facebook out of my life and started reading books again. I saw a therapist about my anger towards anyone that wasn't me, upgraded my soup can & string to an iPhone, and bought a big screen TV to watch horrible reality show specimens embarrass themselves on an even bigger stage. I also thought about going back to church, stopped watching neighbors with binoculars and even asked the woman I love to marry me. (She said yes.)

So I await this new year with open arms. Hopefully I'll make a little more money than a Mexican child peddling Chiclets on an Acapulco beach. Because currently I do not. But otherwise I just hope to remain happy, optimistic and to the best of my ability, healthy. What more could anyone strive for? Let's find out what everyday folks from across this great land are promising themselves to achieve in 2013.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

NJ Gov. Chris Christie Beats the Shit out of Local Reporter for Asking a Stupid Question

TRENTON (Reuters) - The incident happened early this morning at a press conference regarding last week's freight train derailment that sent dozens of people to the hospital and left hundreds homeless amid evacuation orders. Friday's bridge failure dumped four tank cars into the Mantua Creek in Paulsboro, spewing hazardous vinyl chloride gas into the air and thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the creek. 

Gov. Christie was wrapping up his update on the clean-up process when he offered to take a few questions. Ben Flapworth of the Egg Harbor Township Shore News volunteered to go first in what would turn out to be a fateful decision. At this point, Christie had been up for 27 straight hours and hadn't eaten anything since his Fogo de Chao All-You-Can-Eat Brazilian steakhouse feast the night before.