Tuesday, December 4, 2012

NJ Gov. Chris Christie Beats the Shit out of Local Reporter for Asking a Stupid Question

TRENTON (Reuters) - The incident happened early this morning at a press conference regarding last week's freight train derailment that sent dozens of people to the hospital and left hundreds homeless amid evacuation orders. Friday's bridge failure dumped four tank cars into the Mantua Creek in Paulsboro, spewing hazardous vinyl chloride gas into the air and thousands of gallons of toxic chemicals into the creek. 

Gov. Christie was wrapping up his update on the clean-up process when he offered to take a few questions. Ben Flapworth of the Egg Harbor Township Shore News volunteered to go first in what would turn out to be a fateful decision. At this point, Christie had been up for 27 straight hours and hadn't eaten anything since his Fogo de Chao All-You-Can-Eat Brazilian steakhouse feast the night before. 

"Governor Christie, vinyl chloride is a toxic, colorless and flammable gas that causes irritation, headache, shortness of breath and dizziness.  In high concentrations, the gas can even cause death. Why was something this dangerous being transported on trains that travel through residential neighborhoods?"

While he appeared calm while dabbing sweat from his forehead with his fleeced sleeve, the governor's cheek muscles began to twitch spasmodically and his complexion seared quickly into a deep cranberry red. His plump chorizo fingers clenched tightly around a Sharpie - snapping it in half and splotching bright blue ink onto the face of NTSB Chairwoman Deborah Hersman standing next to him. 

"The fuck did you just ask me?!?" he gasped. "What paper do you work for? The Moron Messenger? Vinyl chloride is used to make PVC, the world's most widely produced plastic. How are we supposed to transport it? Tie balloons to it and float it across the country like the half-Asian kid from the Disney movie? Mail it through FedEx? Have Santa bring it to the factories on his sled??"

The unruffled reporter further enraged the governor by pointing out that PVC is actually the world's third most widely produced plastic. At that point Christie abruptly launched himself from the stage in a shockingly awkward, 2-part maneuver that initially looked like a fall. Barreling through a forest of camera tripods like a ferocious silverback, he reached out and grabbed Mr. Flapworth's throat and slammed his head sideways against the painted cinder block wall three times quickly in succession. 

As the hapless, blood-soaked reporter slid limply to the carpet, Governor Christie stood over him and kicked his face back and forth between his loafers like a soccer ball, asking repeatedly if he "still feels like being a wise ass."  Though the question was most likely rhetorical, Mr. Flapworth did not respond. 

When sheriff’s deputies tried to break up the melee, Christie resisted and asked the officers how they would support their families next month after they've been reassigned to afternoon security for Chuck E Cheese birthday parties in Piscataway. 

Flapworth sustained a Grade 3 concussion along with several broken teeth and a ruptured eardrum. He is in serious but stable condition at Saint Barnabas Medical Center and is expected to survive. Christie was transported to Bobby Flay's Burger Palace and released from custody without questioning. Authorities are still investigating the incident. 

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