I think we can all agree the missing plane fiasco has gone on way too long. Obviously the searchers have been focusing their efforts in all the wrong places, and it's about time I set the record straight. If given the chance, I'm almost certain I could pinpoint the location of the airliner, but unfortunately nobody will give me the time of day. I've emailed the Malaysian Prime Minister, several Australian Admirals and even my cousin TJ from Houston who's dating a chick in the Coast Guard. None of them have responded.