Monday, June 17, 2013

HOT JOB: Philly Sidewalk Activist

  • Inform the public about political efforts, charitable causes and social injustices. Solicit donations, support and volunteers whenever possible. 

Primary Duties
  • Stand within inches of illegally blocking the entrance of Whole Foods and attempt to make contact with every human being walking by, regardless of their defensive body language and obvious disdain for your presence. 
  • Begin every intercept with a carefully crafted question or phrase designed to stir up a creamy broth of guilt, remorse and self-doubt within the target. Plant the heavy seed of encumbrance inside their soul and let it sprout its shameful pangs of conscience in their brains for the rest of the afternoon.  

          "Do you have a minute to save a baby from being raped?"

          "Do you care about anyone who has cancer?" 

          "If you don't stop, a gay teenager might be beaten with a coal shovel." 

          These are some great opening examples. Of course, adding your own personal touches       
          is always encouraged. 

  • After establishing contact, it's important to try and fleece the poor sap for as much as your soul will allow. It's best to confuse them first with an overly friendly oration of indefensible facts and bewildering statistics. Follow this with a few superficial compliments, (preferably on their clever t-shirt or ironic hat) and then go in for the grand daddy kill: the monthly contribution sign-up. 

  • You must currently accept and worship Bono as your one, true Lord and Savior. 
  • You shall have at least one of the following: a Sanskrit tattoo of an English phrase, an unusual body piercing, some type of eccentric facial hair or a pompous, preachy air of superiority that envelopes your being like a murky cloud of Nag Champa.    
  • Experience tying an overlong jumbled hemp rope to a disgusting pen and connecting that to a beat up clipboard emblazoned with PETA stickers is highly desirable. Ability to wear a vest festooned with Wind Turbine, Non-GMO and Anti-Fracking pins also helpful. 

  • Must be willing to continually stand directly in the path of people walking on the sidewalk for hours on end and still feel good about the life choices that you've made up until that point. 
  • Must never be dissuaded by trivial communication barriers such as someone talking on the telephone, wearing headphones or carrying a pink cardboard sign that says "Don't Fucking Talk To Me About Anything"
  • Whether its protecting narwhals from whale bullying, funding Andorra's twelve man permanent army, or rescuing child brides from the clutches of gelatinous Chilean sea monsters, one must be willing to firmly ask for someone's hard-earned money with an earnest sincerity no matter how ridiculous the assigned cause. 

  • Despite the excruciatingly long shifts in grueling city humidity and the salary of a Bhutanese potato farmer, our benefit package is surprisingly rich. Some perks include: 
  • Unlimited snacking from the Whole Foods chips and salsa demonstration table. Sometimes there's even cheese.
  • The opportunity to actually talk with women whom you would previously only stalk through friends-of-friends photo tags on Facebook.
  • The comfort of knowing that you've instilled a grave sense of nagging guilt in unsuspecting, innocent passersby that will quietly fester deep inside their bodies for decades, until finally manifesting itself one day as a terminal disease.   
  • After one lamentable year of service, you will receive a signed 8x10 photo of our Holy Vaunted Ruler of Philanthropic Ecstasy, Bono, standing on the Vatican balcony along with the Pope, Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, Oskar Schindler, Harriet Tubman, Joan of Arc and Amélie.

No comments:

Post a Comment