Five Things a Philly Cab Driver Will NOT Do

Taxi drivers are always high up on the list of things people complain about in their cities. Traffic is another. Even your moron friend from Thermopolis, Wyoming will shamelessly put his bumper-to-bumper 'nightmare' commute to Casper on the Yellowstone Highway just outside of Boysen Reservoir up against your I-95 fuck jam any day. "George Washington Breedge ain't nothin compared to the Route 20 Interchange in Shoshoni on a Fry-dee"


Not only will he say it with a straight face, but depending on how annoying this friend is, he may even cite a rudimentary infographic he once saw in USA Today that appears to vaguely substantiate his claims. At this point, I always find it relaxing to imagine ancient winged narwhals soaring through the air in symmetric formation like Canada Geese. Helps me soften the urge to poke at their eyeballs with my house key. From Yemen to Yuma, the sentiment is the same: "Traffic sucks and we have the worst cab drivers." Our city is no different of course, but take note: there there are a few things I've found a Philly cabbie will not do under any circumstances. 

• Emanate warmth or graciousness when he discovers you've chosen to pay with a credit card. 

• Navigate the city in a safe, reasonable manner. 

• Apply jojoba oil to your dry, cracked elbows. (Even if you ask nicely.) 

• Modulate his voice while arguing with his Malagasy girlfriend via Bluetooth.

• Engage in any kind of intelligent discussion about whether it was painting or sculpture that more convincingly informed the development of artistic theory in 16th century Italy.