Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Doctor Will See You Now

Dr. CC that is. I'm not a real doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I do however work at a medical school so I feel I've absorbed enough peripheral knowledge to make informed clinical decisions and such. Even better, I've done it all without being saddled with a quarter million dollar tuition debt. In fact, I'm being paid by them to eavesdrop on student study sessions, practical exams and even actual surgeries. Over the years I've stitched together all the bits and pieces I've accumulated, (words like mitochondria, subluxation and catecholaminergic polymorphic ventricular tachycardia) and created what I do believe is a very well rounded set of medical credentials for myself. 

So forget Obamacare. Don't waste another cent on your bullshit employee health plan. You've found the answer! I don't have a physical office yet, (due to the suffocating pile of bureaucratic paperwork and "licenses" required to do so), but for now - right here in my floating internet castle - the doctor is IN! 

So please, don't hesitate to send me your questions. I practice a completely objective, non-judgmental approach with my patients, based solely on facts and never on preconceived notions or personal bias. All are welcome. 

Dear Dr. CC, 

I'm a 42 year old divorced lawyer living in Florida. I've been feeling pretty down lately every since returning from Barbados, not sure why. I'm in kind of a mental fog and have had a minor headache for about a week now. I've also been having some stomach issues as well. Some grumbling, a little diarrhea. I don't know. Doesn't seem to matter what I eat. I'm kind of nervous about it all. What do you think?

-Shem Goltz, Hialeah, FL


There's nothing to worry about. My guess is the headache and cloudiness are from all the blow you tore through in your cruise cabin with the Portuguese maid...or bellboy maybe? Either way, I've been there. Coke hangovers can be pretty persistent, you just gotta wait it out. Odds are your anxiety is on that same train. Impending doom, worthlessness, unbearable guilt? Sound right Shemmy? That's what I'm saying. Focus on the good times you had with Flavia or Gaspar or whoever. It's all good under the hood chief. Oh, and I'd bet my self-issued license that the diarrhea grumbles are a result of 4 straight days of warm California rolls, powdered eggs and souvenir cup Melon Balls. Not exactly the Michael Pollan diet my friend. Hang in there. My advice: curl up on the couch with a bowl of Colorado's dankest, punch up some Netflix and blast through a season of Locked Up Abroad. Should keep you in line at least until the summer. Mazel tov. 

Dear Dr. CC, 

I'm a 33 year old single, slightly obese male, allergic to citrus and mint. I've been having a lot of back and neck pain lately for no reason. I work in an office at a metal whistle factory, (America's only one, I might add!) and am sitting down most of the day. I realize that's probably causing some of it, but I've been working there for years and it all just started so suddenly that I'm not sure. Hopefully you can help me. Thank you. 

Easton Plebbles, Gahanna, OH


I think I know what's causing the pain. You process paperwork related to whistles and you live in the middle of Ohio. Hooooly shit, can life get any more boring?! That pain is the universe whispering to you bud. Listen to it. Quit playing World of Warcraft every night by yourself in costume, sell your pet rabbit and move the hell out of the garden level studio you rent underneath the Dairy Queen immediately! It's time to go. Pack up the teal Tercel and head west my good man. And no, don't say goodbye to Tammy at the diner who's been giving you free milkshakes every Sunday. She doesn't like you, she never will. Head to Denver, or Portland, or even Minneapolis. You'll find a quirky soul there who'll eventually interpret your incomprehensible dullness as endearing and you'll fall in love. The physical discomfort, including the bizarro allergies will vanish, and you'll find a new joy in life. Until you can get your affairs in order, I suggest a strip mall massage and some honey whiskey for the pain. Godspeed. 

Health problems? Mental concerns? Strange pains? Come see Dr. CC free of charge! (for now.) My office is always open. Everything we talk about will be treated with the utmost empathy and concern for your privacy. Your full name, address and condition will only be posted on the internet and nowhere else. You have my word. Don't suffer in silence any longer. 

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