Monday, November 26, 2012

Cyber Monday Goes Global

I think a lot of people think Cyber Monday is just an American tradition, hatched purposefully by capitalist elves to agitate spending and stoke the glowing Black Friday embers. However convenient it sounds, it's simply not true. The term, 'Cyber Monday' actually dates back to the 6th century BC, where its first recorded use is attributed to Emperor Gaozu of Tang, founder of the Tang Dynasty. According to historical documents the emperor, unhappy with outrageous shipping costs and export taxes on his luxurious silk, declared Cyber Monday a Chinese National Holiday. Anyone charging shipping fees on that day would be beheaded and fed to dragons. 

Fast forward a few thousand years and look at how far we've come. Most major retailers are still not charging shipping fees and almost no one is being eaten by reptiles. 

Tablets and HDTV's aren't the only bargains around though. Cyber Monday specials are available all over the globe today. Here are some of the biggest deals: 

Uganda: Buy one single grain of rice, get another free. (Limit one per shopper)

Burundi: Anyone with last name starting with C or M not required to fight in civil war today.

North Korea: Think about buying anything, get a free visit from Thought Police. 

Tajikistan: Buy any food item from local market, get immediately raped by a corrupt military official and have the item taken from you. 

Columbia: For every 50 balloons of cocaine you successfully swallow and excrete, you get to keep one for personal use. 

Haiti: In addition to complimentary HIV testing, all islanders enjoy voodoo curse-free shopping until 11:59pm. 

Djibouti: Step outside of your branch-framed, woven fabric hut for any reason and get kicked in the face by the gnarled bare foot of a nomadic warrior and stabbed with an arrow in the shoulder.

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