Thursday, August 15, 2013

HOT JOB: Debt Collector

  • Track down debtors using the internet, telephone and mail system. Negotiate settlements and payment arrangements

Primary Duties
  • Call people at weird times with stupid numbers from ridiculous states.  
  • When they answer, remain silent for several seconds before loudly mispronouncing their names.
  • Be comfortable asking a grown man in Philadelphia about what he plans to do about a $17.50 unpaid balance from a 1994 water bill in Phoenix.
  • Keep your composure when the man informs you he intends to fill an empty Maglight with 70 quarters and briskly insert the cold, rugged, anodized aluminum device into your wife's large intestine.  

  • Must have the empty, corroded soul of an incestual, enslaving, Austrian kidnapper. (Though all sexually deviant miscreants, felonious pornographers and Floridians encouraged to apply.)   
  • Ideal candidates should have at least one real, (documented) suicide attempt under their belts. Bonus points for outlandish attention-grabbing stunts such as leaping from historical landmarks or any kind of public hanging.
  • Must derive spiritual pleasure from harassing complete strangers to pay mind-boggling, mafia-style interest tacked on to ancient credit card balances leftover from legendary spring break road trips to Mexico.
  • Experience with Asyro-Babylonian demon magic, Medieval goat sorcery and Haitian voodoo is extremely helpful. Knowledge of dark Egyptian Heka rituals a huge plus. (Working at Comcast counts as equivalent.) 

  • Must have no known human friends, real life romantic relationships, or any living supportive family members who have not been diagnosed with acute personality disorder or severe alcohol dependence. 
  • Must enjoy catching small to medium-sized mammals such as raccoons, badgers and weasels, and splitting their throats open with your teeth and spilling their rich, sanguine syrup into your mouth to savor and absorb nutrients and powers. 
  • Must spend excessive portions of your day masturbating repeatedly to 'We Buy Any Car' commercials and Judge Joe Brown's streetwise brand of tough love and southern sensibility.

  • Special VIP luxury cabana in Hell reserved for you and your pet lizard for eternity. Amenities include: daily face lashings with a wasp-infested Saguaro cactus arm, never-ending Siberian Moose diarrhea shower and frequent intimate encounters with emus. 
  • Bi-monthly field trips to psychiatric detention centers and viral decontamination chambers around the country. Annual winter outing to a Soviet forced labor camp for rest and relaxation.  
  • Unlimited access to our exclusive Nickelback, Limp Bizkit, and Sum 41 in-office music channel.    
  • The 'satisfaction' that comes with knowing that in some small way, you have made somebody's day just a little bit worse for no reason whatsoever. Also known as 'cancer.'

1 comment:

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