Friday, August 23, 2013

Ask Ke$ha! {vol.2}

*Editor's Note: This column was late this week because Ke$ha did not submit it in time. Her tour manager, Nino Salmonni claims that her bus had mechanical problems just outside of Fresno. Sources close to Insane Italian however, reported witnessing the pop rap sensation being led away in handcuffs after defecating in a McDonald's Playland in Surprise, Arizona early yesterday morning. 

Dear Ke$ha, 

Recently, both of my parents and all three of my siblings lost their lives in a terrible freak accident in Vail, Colorado. There was a malfunction in the heating system of the mountain cabin they were renting and while they slept, all of them succumbed to carbon monoxide poisoning. The reason I was not on that trip was because I had VIP seats to your show at Musikfest in Bethlehem, PA. As devastated as I am, I feel that it was the love of your amazing music that literally kept me alive today and I want to thank you for that. I know that it will also be what gets me through the long dark days ahead of me for the rest of my life.  

Tess Schoonover, Alquippa, PA

I'm so sorry to hear about your family Tess. Sometimes when I'm sad I make my assistant put on the penis outfit and bounce around my house. I’m not a party girl in the ‘vagina hanging out of my skirt’ kind of way. I like getting drunk and partying but not in a gross way, I’m more like a pimp. More like a dance commander. 




I've been struggling a lot lately trying to deal with all these shocking celebrity deaths like Cory Monteith from Glee and the former Bachelorette, Gia Allemand. Do you think it's something about fame and the pressures to succeed that causes these tragedies? My little sister is an aspiring actor and had a bit part on MTV's "I Just Want My Pants Back" and I'm really scared about her future if she ends up famous. 

Jeff Groat, Mankatos, MN

Eventually I would love to be on my deathbed and looked at as an icon. Right now I'm at the baby stages of my career. But that is the goal. My band and I, we cover our bodies in hairspray and glitter. We use the hairspray to make sure the glitter sticks. Glitter is my makeup of choice. Basically, when you're around me, you're going to get glitter on you. 

-K to the $


Dear Ke$ha, 

I just watched an inspiring documentary about extremely generous public figures such as Bill Gates, Taylor Swift and George Clooney who regularly donate vast sums of their wealth to charitable causes. I was wondering if you're involved with any charities and if so which ones?

Kitty Perchment, Toccoa, GA

I'm pretty sure that I was JFK in a past life. I also want a pig. A pig on a leash. A baby pig on a leash! But, it can bum you out when your intentions aren't, like, translated properly. I know I have haters and haters can go suck a dictator.   

-Ke$ha unda pre$$ha



Do you believe in God?

Dustin Yeazel, Naugatuck, CT

Well shit Dustin, from the fact alone that I cannot conceive of God except as existing, it follows that existence is inseparable from him, and consequently that he does, in truth, exist. Not that my thought can bring about this result or that it imposes any necessity upon things; on the contrary the necessity which is in the thing itself  - that is, the necessity of the existence of God - determines me to have this thought. For it is not in my power to conceive a God without existence - that is to say, of a supremely perfect being without a supreme perfection. But that's just my opinion. 

Aiight, I'm poppin' off like Asti Spumanti bitches! Peace to the capital of Greece...which I think is Atlantis? Whatevs. 


*ASK KE$HA! {vol.1}

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